August 2011
21 posts
Shame
Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island. Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing. Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing. Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up...
Whiskey
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then...
Work for the Government
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, “My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher’s mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! ” One of the other boys said, “Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to...
Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon ” Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, madam. I’ve come...
Comparative Religion
Taoism : Shit Happens. Buddhism : If shit happens it’s not really shit. Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah. Protestantism : Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough. Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us? Hinduism : This shit happened before. Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad. Hare Krishna : Shit happens...
Say NO to Everything
Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, “My mother told me to say no to everything. “Well,” Barry said, “do you mind if I put my arm around you? “No,” the girl replied. “Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg? “N-n-no,” the girl replied. “You know,”...
Bank Accounts
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Manuals
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Someone Else
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “I’ve never been better! ” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid...
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON… You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK. You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON… You get three meals a day. AT WORK. You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON… You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK. You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON… A guard locks and unlocks all...
$90
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He...
Dog vs. Cat
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!
How many lanes?
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out. The genie says, “For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! “The man thinks for a minute, and says, “I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I’m scared of flying and tend to get seasick. “The genie replies, “My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that?...
Wrong Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom....
2 and 2
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two? ” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two. ” The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but...
Impossible Request
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious...
Billed by Hour
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35! “St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering...
Think Out of the Box
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.”I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double. ” The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million...
I'm a rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive...
Bull Testicles
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served? “The waiter replied, ” Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls...
Horse
Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
July 2011
5 posts
Computer Virus
Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along...
Men vs. Pigs
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
Priest
Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, “Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? ” The priest says, “Because I’m a father. ” Johnny says, “Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards. ” The priest says “You don’t understand, son. I have thousands...
Who is in charge?
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge. “The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge. “The hands said “Without me we...
Causality
When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.
May 2011
3 posts
Women's Dictionary
ARGUMENT: A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
AIRHEAD: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BBQ: You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
BLONDE JOKES: Jokes that are short so men...
Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word “tragedy.” “Well,” one girl replied, “If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!” The President smiled at the little girl and said, “No, sweetie. That would be an ...
What You Say is What They Understand
What a woman says: “This place is a mess. C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying all over the floor, and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!” What a man hears: “… C’mon … you and I … over the floor … no clothes … right now!”
April 2011
8 posts
Professions
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, “Hi there handsome. How ya doing?” She then wiggled her backside and walked off. “Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife. “Er- just a woman I met...
Pessimist
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to...
Car Accident
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came...
Jury Duty
Judge: “Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?” Juror: “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.” Judge: “Can’t they do without you at work?” Juror: “They can, but I don’t want them to know this.”
Fishing Business
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the...
Owing Money
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers,...
Urine Tasting
It is recounted that at King’s College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year’s rounds by teaching “a singularly important principle of medicine.” He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. “Diabetes,” he said, “is a Greek name; but the Romans...
Best Archer
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. “Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke, “I must find him!” After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy...
January 2011
7 posts
Cheap Parking Space
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car...
You Know It
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly. ” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly. ” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same...
Help the President
A man on his way home from work came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.” He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?” The Officer replies, “The President just found...
“So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?”
– asked the interviewer. “And how, if I may be so bold to inquire? “Why, I’d put all the men on one island and all the women on another. ” replied Paddy. “And what would they be doing then? ” “Building boats!
A glass of water
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-ad… ” “What? ” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water? “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad… ” “WHAT? ” “I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a glass of water?? ” “I told you NO! If you ask...
Which one?
What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
How u doin?
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’? ” asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, “Well I’ll tell you what...
December 2010
23 posts
I love my job
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of...
Please study
A student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam. ” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean.. ” she whispers, “.. I would do ANYTHING!! ” He returns her gaze. “Anything?? ” “Yes,.. Anything!...
http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/graphjam/~3/NYclAUNEKBI/
I like the way YOU are thinking
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left? ” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away. ” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way...
My Wife
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for...
Win or Lose
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. “As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But...